Today has been one of those weirdly emotional days where tears were on the verge of a breakthrough with no identifiable trigger. Just sitting there waiting to make an appearance while I tell them to go find somewhere else to play. No time for brokenness. Not convenient to fall apart today. Not today. But tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
I wonder if other people feel sometimes that they can’t do a whole lot right. Like just can’t keep it all going. Can’t remember anything. And really just want to check out. But there is life. Just sitting there and beckoning us to engage. Engage or disengage. That is the question. Today I just wanted to drive on the highway with the top down on my convertible (that I don’t own) and find myself in the middle of nowhere in a hammock and not a sound to be heard.
My computers both hate me. My house is an explosion of vintage treasure that I usually cherish but today want to throw to the road. Parenting is sucking the life right out of me. Finances are dragging me down. My meal plan and exercise regime are a disaster. Marriage feels more like a convenience lately than a relationship. And the cats have clawed up my favorite chairs. Other than that and 1000 other disappointments, I am GOOD. Pity party over. Not over. My blind dog has successfully ruined our hard wood floors and we don’t even have a quote on the room ruined by the hurricane. I will stop my blubbering now and just carry on with it in my head to spare you the needless drama.
Somedays I don’t know who I am or who I am want to be. I want to be creative and also organized. I want to be good with numbers and also the touchy-feely type. I want to be kind and strong. I want to be outgoing and not too much. Often I feel disorganized and like I am too much and feel like everyone else somehow has figured out this crazy juggling, balancing act except me. Why can’t I get it right when so many others can?
You know…..this is more painful to write than I thought it would be. In my mind I keep telling myself that I need to keep all of this to myself for fear of rejection and judgement. The other part of me assumes people judge anyway so who cares. The other part just wants to be real and free and honest and brave. That part is still being worked on. If this is actually published you will know I have made progress.
My kids are older (the youngest is almost 14) and no matter what anyone tells you…..they need you less and less. Someone said to me, “Your children are outgrowing you.” Exactly. And that is brutally hard and a little freeing all at the same time. They need us on their terms when they are ready and you have to wait for that time otherwise you chase them away. They want to make decisions that are painful to watch yet part of the journey. They push away, then get scared and come back. Then they go away again. And we have to be ok with that. Here when we are needed and ok when we are not. Nobody could have prepared me for this. Letting go sucks. OK the tears have officially left their points of origin and have released themselves. Maybe this is why I am so emotional today. Just needing to be needed. In case you are wondering, that is the main reason I foster kitties. I just want someone to need to be held and loved on. It makes me feel complete.
Well, now that I have allowed myself to cry I am starting to feel some freedom pass over me. Like I can stop pretending. Why is it so easy for us to be fake? I don’t want to be that way but it feels more comfortable. What if we were honest more often? Would it change our relationships? I think we would like each other a whole lot more. We would not be as annoying because people would not have to deal with our masks and our plastic faces. They would see the real us.
I told myself I would read this over one time and publish it. No rewording and fixing it up so I sound more intelligent and witty. Raw is good.
This is where I am right now. I wonder who else is struggling. This is real life. And sometimes it is hard.